hatter

I met this interesting man on the train to Copenhagen. I was planning on having an adventure, explore the city in a real touristy fashion. I even got myself a map over Copenhagen and my plan was to unravel it in a crowded street and gaze confusingly at it and then count how many people stepped up to ask if I needed any help. But then I met this man on the train to Copenhagen. He was an author. Apparantly he had published eight books and won an award. I had never heard of him but he had lovely brown eyes, blonde hair and a nice beard. He also wore a Stenson hat. I like hats. Above all things he was fun to talk to. He bought me coffee and then later we had lunch. We talked about literature, music and life. Time went quickly with him and I liked him. Then he suggested that we take the conversation back to his hotel. I got anxious. I was enjoying the conversation, getting to know each other, but I did not want to sleep with him. He kissed me. It wasn’t unpleasant but it wasn’t what I wanted either. During our conversation I hadn’t thought once about us kissing. I told him that I liked him, that I enjoyed talking to him, but that I didn’t want to go to his hotel. That I needed to know a person better before I become intimate with them. I told him I was sensitive and that I am not capable of going to bed with someone I don’t have deep feelings for and that since we had only just met we weren’t at that stage of our relationship yet. He got annoyed. He told me that he could tell by my body language that I wanted him and that I shouldn’t resist. But I can honestly say that I did not want to have sex with him. He then grabbed my hand and placed it between his legs, He was excited. I pulled away. I said I had to go. I started blabbering, made all kinds of excuses. I felt sick. Wanted to leave as quickly as possible. Wanted to get away. He then begged me to stay. He tried to tell me again that I really wanted it. I said no. Strangely enough I felt guilty, so incredibly guilty. Did I lead him on with my body language like he said I did? Should I not have let him buy me coffee? But I did like him and I did enjoy talking to him. Oh why did he have to spoil it all?

Waiting by the computer

He said he would call

She is impatient

“Where is daddy?  Mummy I want to talk to daddy”

When was the last time she spoke to him?

I can’t remember

When was the last time she saw him?

Was it in spring? I remember him coming in spring

No it was during the summer!

I remember now. It was in August

It was summer then, warm and sunny

Now the snow is falling and it is cold

She has been waiting for over an hour

It is time for her to go to bed

“Just a little bit longer mummy, please”

I tell her that daddy’s computer must be broken

I tell her daddy loves her very much

She gets angry with me

She seems to blame me for him not being there

Like I could wave a magic wand and make him appear if only I wanted to

She cried herself to sleep that night

My heart broke once again

Later I get a text message from him

“Hi, sorry. I’ve been working all afternoon. Apologies for not letting you know before”

He is always saying sorry

It is easy for him

He doesn’t have to watch her cry